Sunday, September 11, 2011

16 Weeks

First off, its been way to long since I last posted. A lot has happened since then and although I wont update about it all right now, there are some things I need to get off of my chest.  I am wishing so badly that my thoughts would wind down but they wont.
Today marks 16 weeks since my husband had to leave. I cant believe how far we've come but we still have a long way to go. I still remember that first day like it was yesterday, and I thought the week would never end. Now look where we are, 16 weeks and time just keeps moving right along.
Today was a little rough. I didnt get to bed until around 3AM the night before and then I woke up early to go to church. My car wouldn't start so I had to have my friend pick me up to go to church and then afterwards we went to O'Reilly's to take my battery in to get tested. That was fun... Finally after three hours they told me that the battery was no good so we went back and bought a new battery and installed it. Now my car works again, yay! I was so tired and drained so I took a nap after I ate dinner. I am still really tired and Bryan called around 12:20AM. We talked for about 15-20 minutes but it wasn't the greatest conversation. I want to tell him not to call at night anymore, but last time I told him that, he seemed to be offended. Its just late by then and he wonders why I am grumpy... I am sure he would be grumpy too if he was up til 12AM. It's already 1AM and I am suppose to get up early for spin class. I just wish my mind would turn off.
Tonight I have been thinking about my grandma a lot. For some reason earlier I forgot she was no longer with us and I thought to call her. I miss her so much. It is still unreal that she is gone...
Something that has really been bothering me lately is that ever since grandma passed away, its like I have given God the cold shoulder. I haven't completely turned my back on Him, but its almost like I am resenting Him for my grandma's death. I dont WANT to feel this way, so I dont know WHY I feel this way but I do... I should be rejoicing that my grandma is in heaven and that she is no longer in pain. God's timing is always perfect, even if it may not seem like it at the time... I just know that grandma would not want me to be feeling this way. She would not want me to be worried about death and dying, and she would want me to just trust in the Lord and know that He is in control and that no matter how much I worry it wont change what is already in His plan... It is SO hard to think this way, if only it were easier.
I have an appointment with a christian counselor on Thursday and I cannot wait, I really need this right now.
Well, I am off to bed. Felt good to write again and get this off of my chest. Spin class in the morning. Hopefully I wake up on time!

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