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Saturday, November 12, 2011

So Excited!

Ok, this post is going to be way different than the last post I wrote. In my last post I was so angry, but things have changed since then and I found out some great news this morning. My husband is coming home soon! We dont have exact dates and even if we did I wouldn't post them, but lets just say he will be home for Christmas! I cannot wait! I have so much to do in such a small amount of time, but that just means that time will go by quick and before I know it, I will be back in my soldiers arms again for a long time!
This year has been pretty difficult but its almost over, so hard to believe though. I am so glad that I've made it through and I couldn't have done it with out my faith and lots of prayer. I've really grown in my relationship with God this year and I can only hope that it will get even better. I cannot wait for my husband to come home and we can work on our marriage and make it the strongest its ever been.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

16 Weeks

First off, its been way to long since I last posted. A lot has happened since then and although I wont update about it all right now, there are some things I need to get off of my chest.  I am wishing so badly that my thoughts would wind down but they wont.
Today marks 16 weeks since my husband had to leave. I cant believe how far we've come but we still have a long way to go. I still remember that first day like it was yesterday, and I thought the week would never end. Now look where we are, 16 weeks and time just keeps moving right along.
Today was a little rough. I didnt get to bed until around 3AM the night before and then I woke up early to go to church. My car wouldn't start so I had to have my friend pick me up to go to church and then afterwards we went to O'Reilly's to take my battery in to get tested. That was fun... Finally after three hours they told me that the battery was no good so we went back and bought a new battery and installed it. Now my car works again, yay! I was so tired and drained so I took a nap after I ate dinner. I am still really tired and Bryan called around 12:20AM. We talked for about 15-20 minutes but it wasn't the greatest conversation. I want to tell him not to call at night anymore, but last time I told him that, he seemed to be offended. Its just late by then and he wonders why I am grumpy... I am sure he would be grumpy too if he was up til 12AM. It's already 1AM and I am suppose to get up early for spin class. I just wish my mind would turn off.
Tonight I have been thinking about my grandma a lot. For some reason earlier I forgot she was no longer with us and I thought to call her. I miss her so much. It is still unreal that she is gone...
Something that has really been bothering me lately is that ever since grandma passed away, its like I have given God the cold shoulder. I haven't completely turned my back on Him, but its almost like I am resenting Him for my grandma's death. I dont WANT to feel this way, so I dont know WHY I feel this way but I do... I should be rejoicing that my grandma is in heaven and that she is no longer in pain. God's timing is always perfect, even if it may not seem like it at the time... I just know that grandma would not want me to be feeling this way. She would not want me to be worried about death and dying, and she would want me to just trust in the Lord and know that He is in control and that no matter how much I worry it wont change what is already in His plan... It is SO hard to think this way, if only it were easier.
I have an appointment with a christian counselor on Thursday and I cannot wait, I really need this right now.
Well, I am off to bed. Felt good to write again and get this off of my chest. Spin class in the morning. Hopefully I wake up on time!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

So Sad

Grandma passed away on Wednesday morning... She was 74 years old. I am so glad that I got to see her before she passed, but it was so hard to see her the way I did. She was not responsive, and she didn't look like herself. I am going to miss her so much and its been so hard. Its even harder because Bryan is gone and I feel like I am losing it half of the time. I miss Bryan so much, and now I miss my grandma. She was my angel. She was the most beautiful person in my life and now she is gone. I just wish it was all a bad dream but its not. I am hurting so bad. I never knew I could hurt this badly. I just wish I could have one last hug and kiss from my grandma. I cant really write anymore but I had to write SOMETHING to get this off of my chest. I just want to cry. I just want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum but I cant. There are too many people... :(

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Another Day Down

So, another day has passed... and literally a full day since I got to talk to my husband last. He said he would call me this morning but I never heard from him. Im trying not to worry about it. He probably hasnt had time to call me, but it still makes me worry. I know that once I hear his voice I will feel much better. I am realizing just how much I love him, and it is A LOT. He is literally my other half, and I am realizing that now that he is gone just how much I rely on him. He is my rock. And now I need to be strong and be his rock and be there for him.
I feel sick to my stomach... I should probably be getting some sleep, but I feel like I cant go to bed right now.
Today was a rough day. I slept until 10, then I got up and got ready for work. I ate breakfast and left for work and work was really slow...  I was so glad when it was finally over. After work I bawled my eyes out... Then I went to verizon to get Bryan's phone turned off. After that I went home to change and then went to my friends house for dinner. We watched Gnomeo and Juliet. It was a cute movie...
Now, Im just sitting here chatting on facebook and writing here. It helps me so much to be able to get my thoughts down.
I am going to write Bryan another letter... That always helps me more than writing in here, because its like I am talking to him almost... Night Everyone.

Having A Hard Day

Its only 11:14 in the afternoon, but today is already very hard... I have to go to work soon and I haven't heard from my hubby :-/

Praying He Stays Safe

I thought I was feeling better about this whole deployment thing... But now Im not so sure... Bryan told me today where he will be... And what I read about it doesn't sound so good but at the same time what I've heard others say about it is that it isnt that bad there... I really hope that my soldier will stay safe. I dont know what I would do if something were to happen to him. I know that I need to give my worries to God because He already knows what is going to happen and its all in His plan and if Bryan is meant to come home and continue his life with me, then thats what will happen... But if he is meant to sacrifice his life then I just need to accept that... It will be hard but God will always be my comfort. I just pray that it is in Gods plan and Gods will that Bryan will stay safe and come home to me. He means so much to me and I am so lucky to be married to such a wonderful man. It takes a very strong man to leave his family behind to go to war. I know that when he comes home to me it will be the best feeling ever and our marriage will grow so much from the distance we will have to endure. I just PRAY that he knows how much I love, honor, support and admire him... He is just an amazing person and I feel that I took him for granted a little while he was still here with me. It is just a reminder of how I need to treat him when he comes home...
This is not for the weak... I am trying not to be a weak person but its hard... I just need to try and be strong. Its silly to say, but I think when I get my Survival Strap bracelet, it will be a better reminder to myself of just how strong I need to be for my soldier... It also helps to write my thoughts down on here, even if I do start rambling a little...
Well it is 2:22 here and I should probably get some rest... I am exhausted.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Its Gonna Be Ok...

Today is Day One of being away from my hubby... Im trying to find words to say but right now I feel at a loss for words. Its funny because there is so much going on in my head but its all a jumble and I cant really put it all in order to write it all down. I hope this doesnt happen often.
I talked to my soldier a little while ago and he was leaving Germany. He has one more stop before he reaches his destination. I am so glad that I have been able to keep in contact on his way over there. It has helped me a lot and put my nerves at ease. I've been trying to keep busy today, doing laundry and keeping up with facebook off and on. I will probably do some vaccuming, take out the trash and clean the bathrooms and then take a shower and check the mail. I thought about going to the gym, but I think I will wait and start next week. Right now I just need to rest as much as I can.
Watching the one you love walk away from you is so traumatizing. They aren't dead, or dying... But it feels like a part of you dies inside when you cant be with the one you love. My heart is aching so bad, but at the same time I know I need to be strong for my soldier. He is so brave, and so selfless to be doing this for our country. With each minute that passes, its getting easier and easier, but I know that when I am reminded of him, I will feel that pain, that sadness... and it will get hard again.
Twelve months just seems so long. A whole year... A whole year of memory making that you can never get back. We can still make memories together, but its not the same. But, I have to make the best of it. As my sister Rebecca tells me, its a vacation. I dont have to worry about him playing video games instead of cuddling with me, I dont have to worry about him being on his phone all the time, I dont have to worry about washing his smelly socks and underwear... But at the same time, I will miss all of it... It will be ok though. I will be ok, he will be ok... We will get through this I just know it.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Im Gonna Miss Him SO Much...

I wish someone had the words to say... To comfort, to relate, to make things all better... But I dont think its possible. My heart is aching. For an unknown amount of time, I will be alone, without my other half, my best friend, my soldier, my husband. So many thoughts are going through my head as I write.
Monday is the day. The day that I must learn to be strong, to be brave, to be supportive for my soldier. Just as he will need to be all of that for me. I just cant believe its really happening. The time is coming too fast. In less than 2 days, my whole entire world will be turned around. Lonely nights, quiet mornings, weekends spent wishing I had my loves arms around me, holding me tight. I never knew I would have to experience something so difficult. I know that our time apart will only make us stronger. I am just praying that God will keep him safe, that he will come back to me soon.
Im not sure how things will be for me. I dont like being alone. Especially at night. I know that when I am alone my thoughts will not stop racing. I will be doing a lot of writing for sure...

Babe, if you are reading this I just want you to know that I am going to miss you more than you know. I am so proud of you and I am praying that you stay safe so you can come back to me and start a family. I cant wait. I love you!

Monday, May 9, 2011

11 More Days

Maybe this is why I haven't been able to sleep... My husband leaves in 11 days (roughly) for Iraq... I'm beyond nervous/scared and I am not sure what I will do without him. We've been arguing so much lately and I wish I could take it back. Its hard to face the fact that we're missing out on time we could be spending with each other, because of the arguements we've been having... It sucks. I know that things will get better once this deployment gets started, and even better once he comes home safe to me.
Another reason I probably cant sleep is because of bills... They are sucking every last penny out of us and I cant wait to get a break... I want to be able to do fun things, and buy myself something every once in a while, or buy decorations for the house... But things are SO expensive these days, its like we are basically paying to live... If this goes on for much longer,  I dont know if I WANT to live... Not really but you get the idea...
So yeah, May 20th I have to experience one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. It will be filled with so many different emotions, but I know in the end I will be stronger from it. I am hoping to get some things accomplished while he is gone... Like FINALLY fitting into my old jeans, and maybe taking some more college classes so I can at least get an AA, finally...
Well, thats all for now. My writing skills are a little rusty these days. I guess thats what happens when you haven't written in a while.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Where's the Pause Button???

Just found out terrible news today... Grandma's cancer is back, in her pelvic area. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Not sure what the treatment is going to be, but she will be calling a treatment center in Houston to see if she can be treated there. This just sucks... She's been doing so good eating healthy and taking care of herself. I just hope that whatever treatment she gets, she will someday be cancer free. I just keep thinking about what life would be like without grandma and I get really sad. I dont ever want to lose her. She is one of the most important people in my life. Sometimes I just wish we could hit a pause button and just pause life. But there's no pause button, so we just have to enjoy life while we can, and enjoy those in our lives. Thats why I wish my mom would just realize that life is too short. Too short to hold grudges or care what something on Facebook says... Its all stressful stuff that doesn't have to matter. Oh well... you can only tell someone something so many times. If they dont want to listen, then thats on them. Or if they listen but just disregard it, thats on them too. Well, now I'm just rambling on... Time to go to sleep, hopefully I can sleep good tonight, theres a lot on my mind.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Wake Up and Go to Bed

Wow what a day... I was woken up by the guys that were here to work on stuff, or bring us stuff.. I had set my alarm for 8 but for some reason I didnt hear it... The guys got here around 9:30 or so, and from that point on it was go go go. I got up and threw some clothes on... Then I went to pick up Hurley from the kennel and afterwards we ran a few errands. I had to get an oil change, then I had to stop by my new job to fill out a paper for a background check. After that I went to the bank and the post office. Of course Hurley misbehaved like usual. When we got home, the people that brought our furniture had arrived and were bringing stuff in. After they were finished, Bryan and I decided to leave and run some more errands. We ended up spending like 400 dollars. YUCK! Its not cheap to have a house, by any means... Well, we ran errands and ended with grocery shopping. Then when we got home we straightened up a bit and I made us shamrock shakes :) Now I am sitting here writing about my day and I think I will end here and take a bath before cuddling up in my new bed. I hope its comfortable! Nighty Night.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

On the Plane Again...

Well, here we are back on the plane again. I'm so excited to go back home. I think it's safe to say that I pretty much want to stay in Texas for a while. A lot less family drama going on there. Before we went back to CA for the wedding I wasn't really stressed at all except for the not being in the house thing. Maybe Texas is where my heart is suppose to be. So glad to be going home. I miss my house and my puppy and can't wait to see what kind of mischief my cat got into while we were gone. Tomorrow will be a busy but exciting day! A lot of stuff to do but we are getting our furniture, Internet and tv, and alarm hooked up. Yay for progression!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

19 Days

That is how long we have until we can move in to our new home! I am beyond anxious! So I have been slacking with writing a blog everyday. There's been a lot going on. I started my first day of work yesterday and it went well. Right now is the somewhat boring part because I'm just observing right now. It will more than likely pick up once I start hands on stuff. I'm not sure about Bryan but I'm starting to get cabin fever in this hotel room. We are going to start staying with some friends starting tomorrow. We are hoping to be able to stay with them til we move in to our house but we'll see. Well I need to get ready to head back to work. Everythings great. :)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

New Job!

So this morning at 11 I had a job interview at Behavior 4 Life, working with children with autism and.... I got the job! I start observing on Monday and I'm not sure how long the training is but I am just so excited to be doing what I love most again! After my interview I went to get my fingerprints done. Then we picked up Bryan's mom and went out to eat at Cheddar's. :) now as I write I am just waking up from a little nap. I wasn't feeling good earlier and now I feel a little worse. I hope I'm not getting sick! Tomorrow I go to San Antonio to watch my brother perform. I'm so excited. :) we are also going to the housing office to turn in some necessary paperwork to get the ball rolling. So many good things happened today and are happening all over to people I care about. I'm so glad to see things looking up for those who thought life would never go right for them. That's all for now! Good night everyone!

IPhone 4

So, the other day me and my husband got in a disagreement about the new iphone for verizon... Then yesterday the lady at verizon told us we can just add a new line if we wanted to get the phone... She also said that we could probably sell our old phones for more than it would cost to get the new ones... So today my husband went to verizon in the freezing cold at 4am and waited outside so he could get us these phones... He was number one in line.. I still think hes crazy for doing this, but oh well. I like it a lot so far...  Anyways, that is all for now. I didnt get much sleep last night so I am going to go lay down for a bit...

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Welcome to My Blog

Hello Everyone,
I've decided to make a blog to just journal and keep everyone updated on my life in Texas. I will try to write at least once a day, if not more. Since it is late I wont write much, but so far I am enjoying Texas. This morning we woke up and headed straight to the storage unit to put all of our household goods into storage. The weather was FREEZING. I don't think I have ever been that cold in my whole life. Supposedly this weather is not very common for Texas. My bones ached, I was so cold...
Tomorrow Bryan will sign in to Fort Hood. We also plan on stopping by the housing office to print out some documents that are needed. I am also going to apply for that job working with autistic children that I found the other day. Not sure what else we have planned but I am sure that it will be a busy day... I may try and get back to the gym! Anyways, that is all for now. I hope you all will enjoy my blogs and come back daily to read them.