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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Another Day Down

So, another day has passed... and literally a full day since I got to talk to my husband last. He said he would call me this morning but I never heard from him. Im trying not to worry about it. He probably hasnt had time to call me, but it still makes me worry. I know that once I hear his voice I will feel much better. I am realizing just how much I love him, and it is A LOT. He is literally my other half, and I am realizing that now that he is gone just how much I rely on him. He is my rock. And now I need to be strong and be his rock and be there for him.
I feel sick to my stomach... I should probably be getting some sleep, but I feel like I cant go to bed right now.
Today was a rough day. I slept until 10, then I got up and got ready for work. I ate breakfast and left for work and work was really slow...  I was so glad when it was finally over. After work I bawled my eyes out... Then I went to verizon to get Bryan's phone turned off. After that I went home to change and then went to my friends house for dinner. We watched Gnomeo and Juliet. It was a cute movie...
Now, Im just sitting here chatting on facebook and writing here. It helps me so much to be able to get my thoughts down.
I am going to write Bryan another letter... That always helps me more than writing in here, because its like I am talking to him almost... Night Everyone.

Having A Hard Day

Its only 11:14 in the afternoon, but today is already very hard... I have to go to work soon and I haven't heard from my hubby :-/

Praying He Stays Safe

I thought I was feeling better about this whole deployment thing... But now Im not so sure... Bryan told me today where he will be... And what I read about it doesn't sound so good but at the same time what I've heard others say about it is that it isnt that bad there... I really hope that my soldier will stay safe. I dont know what I would do if something were to happen to him. I know that I need to give my worries to God because He already knows what is going to happen and its all in His plan and if Bryan is meant to come home and continue his life with me, then thats what will happen... But if he is meant to sacrifice his life then I just need to accept that... It will be hard but God will always be my comfort. I just pray that it is in Gods plan and Gods will that Bryan will stay safe and come home to me. He means so much to me and I am so lucky to be married to such a wonderful man. It takes a very strong man to leave his family behind to go to war. I know that when he comes home to me it will be the best feeling ever and our marriage will grow so much from the distance we will have to endure. I just PRAY that he knows how much I love, honor, support and admire him... He is just an amazing person and I feel that I took him for granted a little while he was still here with me. It is just a reminder of how I need to treat him when he comes home...
This is not for the weak... I am trying not to be a weak person but its hard... I just need to try and be strong. Its silly to say, but I think when I get my Survival Strap bracelet, it will be a better reminder to myself of just how strong I need to be for my soldier... It also helps to write my thoughts down on here, even if I do start rambling a little...
Well it is 2:22 here and I should probably get some rest... I am exhausted.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Its Gonna Be Ok...

Today is Day One of being away from my hubby... Im trying to find words to say but right now I feel at a loss for words. Its funny because there is so much going on in my head but its all a jumble and I cant really put it all in order to write it all down. I hope this doesnt happen often.
I talked to my soldier a little while ago and he was leaving Germany. He has one more stop before he reaches his destination. I am so glad that I have been able to keep in contact on his way over there. It has helped me a lot and put my nerves at ease. I've been trying to keep busy today, doing laundry and keeping up with facebook off and on. I will probably do some vaccuming, take out the trash and clean the bathrooms and then take a shower and check the mail. I thought about going to the gym, but I think I will wait and start next week. Right now I just need to rest as much as I can.
Watching the one you love walk away from you is so traumatizing. They aren't dead, or dying... But it feels like a part of you dies inside when you cant be with the one you love. My heart is aching so bad, but at the same time I know I need to be strong for my soldier. He is so brave, and so selfless to be doing this for our country. With each minute that passes, its getting easier and easier, but I know that when I am reminded of him, I will feel that pain, that sadness... and it will get hard again.
Twelve months just seems so long. A whole year... A whole year of memory making that you can never get back. We can still make memories together, but its not the same. But, I have to make the best of it. As my sister Rebecca tells me, its a vacation. I dont have to worry about him playing video games instead of cuddling with me, I dont have to worry about him being on his phone all the time, I dont have to worry about washing his smelly socks and underwear... But at the same time, I will miss all of it... It will be ok though. I will be ok, he will be ok... We will get through this I just know it.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Im Gonna Miss Him SO Much...

I wish someone had the words to say... To comfort, to relate, to make things all better... But I dont think its possible. My heart is aching. For an unknown amount of time, I will be alone, without my other half, my best friend, my soldier, my husband. So many thoughts are going through my head as I write.
Monday is the day. The day that I must learn to be strong, to be brave, to be supportive for my soldier. Just as he will need to be all of that for me. I just cant believe its really happening. The time is coming too fast. In less than 2 days, my whole entire world will be turned around. Lonely nights, quiet mornings, weekends spent wishing I had my loves arms around me, holding me tight. I never knew I would have to experience something so difficult. I know that our time apart will only make us stronger. I am just praying that God will keep him safe, that he will come back to me soon.
Im not sure how things will be for me. I dont like being alone. Especially at night. I know that when I am alone my thoughts will not stop racing. I will be doing a lot of writing for sure...

Babe, if you are reading this I just want you to know that I am going to miss you more than you know. I am so proud of you and I am praying that you stay safe so you can come back to me and start a family. I cant wait. I love you!

Monday, May 9, 2011

11 More Days

Maybe this is why I haven't been able to sleep... My husband leaves in 11 days (roughly) for Iraq... I'm beyond nervous/scared and I am not sure what I will do without him. We've been arguing so much lately and I wish I could take it back. Its hard to face the fact that we're missing out on time we could be spending with each other, because of the arguements we've been having... It sucks. I know that things will get better once this deployment gets started, and even better once he comes home safe to me.
Another reason I probably cant sleep is because of bills... They are sucking every last penny out of us and I cant wait to get a break... I want to be able to do fun things, and buy myself something every once in a while, or buy decorations for the house... But things are SO expensive these days, its like we are basically paying to live... If this goes on for much longer,  I dont know if I WANT to live... Not really but you get the idea...
So yeah, May 20th I have to experience one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. It will be filled with so many different emotions, but I know in the end I will be stronger from it. I am hoping to get some things accomplished while he is gone... Like FINALLY fitting into my old jeans, and maybe taking some more college classes so I can at least get an AA, finally...
Well, thats all for now. My writing skills are a little rusty these days. I guess thats what happens when you haven't written in a while.